The Slow Weaning Process
I have begun the slow, and slightly painful process of 'weaning'.
To be exact, 'weaning' actually means the process of gradually introducing a baby to food, so that he takes less and less breastmilk. When he/she is fully weaned, the baby has stopped taking breastmilk.
Personally, though, I have always referred to the time I stop donating as 'weaning', even though I don't have a baby to wean from me. I mean, I always knew what weaning meant, but for some reason I have always used that term when people ask up to when I plan to donate. Perhaps it's an unconscious thing. Perhaps I am the one weaning, in the sense that I get much of my strength from helping these babies, and slowly I have to let go.
You'd think that it would be a relief to stop, but it's actually a very sad process for me. From the get-go, I knew myself well enough to know that 'weaning' would be difficult for me, both physically and psychologically. Probably more of the latter. Breastfeeding the first two children, weaning was quite (physically) painful for me, perhaps because I stopped cold-turkey (for medical reasons) and that caused painful engorgement and fever. So I knew that this time,I would give myself perhaps a month to do it slowly so that my body adjusts.
It was the psychological process that I was more concerned about. Donating to families has been the light of my first few months, and my motivation for getting up everyday. But the last few weeks have been good to us. It seemed that after the New Year, we've been happier. Perhaps it's because we've felt her presence everywhere, in answered prayers, in signs, instead of just the cemetery. There are bad days of course, but definitely things are better. So I became more confident about starting the weaning, and informed the doctors, hospitals and families that I'm going to do it already (thought I gave them notice even November). Last year, I even booked a trip to Hong Kong thru a Piso Sale Fare, on March, just as a deadline for me to be completely done pumping. March seemed like a practical time to be done with this, and to be moving forward with my children and husband.
I am now down to 6-8oz a day, 2-3 pumps. It's less painful that I thought it would be physically. Emotionally though, it is still difficult. Six babies need my milk right now, and it saddens me that they might be the last babies I would help. I am caught in the position of making it worth it's while and increasing my production to 30oz if I could, like as a last hurrah. Or, doing what I originally planned, which was to pump less and less everyday. I'm caught between "it can't hurt to keep going past February" and "it's time to move on and spend that time and money with your children."
So I'm sticking to my original plan. Like my husband gently tells me when I insist on going past our agreed January-Feb period, I have already helped many babies and there are other mothers and families who will help them now. When I look thru the HM4HB page, I see that so many moms are active in donating, and I feel a lot less guilty. In fact, there are so much of them, no one posts anymore that they need milk. Isn't that odd?
After 7 months, it's time to move forward and spend more time with my own kids instead of spending 3 hours a day cleaning bottles and pumping milk. I know that's what BabyKat would want for our family. I can do this forever, but at some point, I have to let go. I hope I can do this again in the future (though I highly doubt it, since as mentioned before, a third child is no longer in my plants). Perhaps I should re-phrase that -- I hope to be able to help families like this, in the future.
To be exact, 'weaning' actually means the process of gradually introducing a baby to food, so that he takes less and less breastmilk. When he/she is fully weaned, the baby has stopped taking breastmilk.
Personally, though, I have always referred to the time I stop donating as 'weaning', even though I don't have a baby to wean from me. I mean, I always knew what weaning meant, but for some reason I have always used that term when people ask up to when I plan to donate. Perhaps it's an unconscious thing. Perhaps I am the one weaning, in the sense that I get much of my strength from helping these babies, and slowly I have to let go.
You'd think that it would be a relief to stop, but it's actually a very sad process for me. From the get-go, I knew myself well enough to know that 'weaning' would be difficult for me, both physically and psychologically. Probably more of the latter. Breastfeeding the first two children, weaning was quite (physically) painful for me, perhaps because I stopped cold-turkey (for medical reasons) and that caused painful engorgement and fever. So I knew that this time,I would give myself perhaps a month to do it slowly so that my body adjusts.
It was the psychological process that I was more concerned about. Donating to families has been the light of my first few months, and my motivation for getting up everyday. But the last few weeks have been good to us. It seemed that after the New Year, we've been happier. Perhaps it's because we've felt her presence everywhere, in answered prayers, in signs, instead of just the cemetery. There are bad days of course, but definitely things are better. So I became more confident about starting the weaning, and informed the doctors, hospitals and families that I'm going to do it already (thought I gave them notice even November). Last year, I even booked a trip to Hong Kong thru a Piso Sale Fare, on March, just as a deadline for me to be completely done pumping. March seemed like a practical time to be done with this, and to be moving forward with my children and husband.
I am now down to 6-8oz a day, 2-3 pumps. It's less painful that I thought it would be physically. Emotionally though, it is still difficult. Six babies need my milk right now, and it saddens me that they might be the last babies I would help. I am caught in the position of making it worth it's while and increasing my production to 30oz if I could, like as a last hurrah. Or, doing what I originally planned, which was to pump less and less everyday. I'm caught between "it can't hurt to keep going past February" and "it's time to move on and spend that time and money with your children."
So I'm sticking to my original plan. Like my husband gently tells me when I insist on going past our agreed January-Feb period, I have already helped many babies and there are other mothers and families who will help them now. When I look thru the HM4HB page, I see that so many moms are active in donating, and I feel a lot less guilty. In fact, there are so much of them, no one posts anymore that they need milk. Isn't that odd?
After 7 months, it's time to move forward and spend more time with my own kids instead of spending 3 hours a day cleaning bottles and pumping milk. I know that's what BabyKat would want for our family. I can do this forever, but at some point, I have to let go. I hope I can do this again in the future (though I highly doubt it, since as mentioned before, a third child is no longer in my plants). Perhaps I should re-phrase that -- I hope to be able to help families like this, in the future.
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