Happy Birthday, Baby Kat!
I was busy last week, so just had the chance to post this now.
My Baby turns 1 today. If she was alive, we'd probably be having an uber cool, super-fly party for her. Because, well, that's what we do for a living. Extra special because she would have been a survivor.
But, since we're corny and she's not here with us, we just styled her grave in a super cheesy manner! FUNNY, CHEESY, CORNY, GOOD VIBES! (FYI when we got there her "caretaker" had taken it upon herself to put those white flowers on her own, haha. She was expecting us because we're there almost every week, so she anticipated the date.)
We turned her Baby Dragon photo into a Minion cake. And put a smiley candle on her. We lit it up, sang her a Happy Birthday song, and just let her "blow" out her own candle. Which was easy, because this cheapy candle has a wick only 0.5cm long. Haha!
I think of her everyday. I'm pretty sure J does too. Hard to forget the 3rd missing child when you're staring at the 2 living ones. Some people ask me sometimes if you become obsessed with your living children when one passes away. I'm not sure about other people, but in our case, we didn't. I'm sure that's not the case for others, like the parents who lost 2 out of their 3 children. I would obsess about the living child AT ALL TIMES. But for us, with Kat, we still felt the same. We love being with them, sometimes we want to pinch them, sometimes we need space from them. It's still the same. Perhaps how we were even before Kat, that's the maximum kind of parents we already can be for them. (And by that, I mean, maximum kind of awesome parents, haha =P) Nothing changed, I don't appreciate them more, because I have always appreciated and loved them to the best that I can. I think it's the same with my husband.
So yes, I think of her everyday. What could have been? What would she be like now. Walking, laughing. I see photos and videos of the babies I gave milk to, and sometimes I'm in disbelief that Kat would have been like that now. It's been so long since this home had a baby, I've forgotten that they grow up so so fast.
A few months ago, in a carnival party I organized, the fortune-teller I hired offered to read my cards. I eagerly let him, since I've only had my cards/hand read once and it was WAY OFF. But this one? He really hit a home run.
He told me that he saw a previous commitment that didn't work out -- but not a boy or anything like that. Just a relationship, a love, that could be family. He told me to let go of bitterness, of the blame, of the sadness, because it's not good for me. Basically it went on for a while, but that was the summary. And that I have to forgive myself for the love that I lost. The fortune teller was pretty confident in reading me, but I'm sure he couldn't figure out at first why the reading was so, and I had to explain it to him after a few minutes.
And perhaps the great message, just in time for my daughter's 1st birthday, is that I have to let go of the sadness. I will still occasionally cry my brains out (I think I am entitled to this, foreverrrrr) and be innately sensitive to the topic. But I have to stop looking back at where I went wrong, what I could have done. I have to stop thinking of the minutes missed because I was too groggy from surgery. Stop wishing that I was allowed to see you sooner, stop regretting that I waited hours after surgery to see you. Would it have helped you if I got up right after surgery and just held you? Stop looking back. I have to stop telling myself, no children, ever again. And I just have to accept that we should be grateful for the angel in heaven who has showered us with amazing gifts and people in the past year (not that I want another one, I'm just saying, be grateful). Accept that, if she made it past the surgery, she may not have led the best life. And just be the best person I can be, so that one day, God willing, we will be together again.
This entry could be much longer, but I'll stop here.
Happy birthday, our beautiful angel. Thank you for all your gifts, they do not go unnoticed. We love you with all our hearts. Please heal our hearts for us. It's been a year, you think we'd be better, but we're not really there yet. But thank you for everything.
I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
My Baby turns 1 today. If she was alive, we'd probably be having an uber cool, super-fly party for her. Because, well, that's what we do for a living. Extra special because she would have been a survivor.
But, since we're corny and she's not here with us, we just styled her grave in a super cheesy manner! FUNNY, CHEESY, CORNY, GOOD VIBES! (FYI when we got there her "caretaker" had taken it upon herself to put those white flowers on her own, haha. She was expecting us because we're there almost every week, so she anticipated the date.)
We turned her Baby Dragon photo into a Minion cake. And put a smiley candle on her. We lit it up, sang her a Happy Birthday song, and just let her "blow" out her own candle. Which was easy, because this cheapy candle has a wick only 0.5cm long. Haha!
I think of her everyday. I'm pretty sure J does too. Hard to forget the 3rd missing child when you're staring at the 2 living ones. Some people ask me sometimes if you become obsessed with your living children when one passes away. I'm not sure about other people, but in our case, we didn't. I'm sure that's not the case for others, like the parents who lost 2 out of their 3 children. I would obsess about the living child AT ALL TIMES. But for us, with Kat, we still felt the same. We love being with them, sometimes we want to pinch them, sometimes we need space from them. It's still the same. Perhaps how we were even before Kat, that's the maximum kind of parents we already can be for them. (And by that, I mean, maximum kind of awesome parents, haha =P) Nothing changed, I don't appreciate them more, because I have always appreciated and loved them to the best that I can. I think it's the same with my husband.
So yes, I think of her everyday. What could have been? What would she be like now. Walking, laughing. I see photos and videos of the babies I gave milk to, and sometimes I'm in disbelief that Kat would have been like that now. It's been so long since this home had a baby, I've forgotten that they grow up so so fast.
A few months ago, in a carnival party I organized, the fortune-teller I hired offered to read my cards. I eagerly let him, since I've only had my cards/hand read once and it was WAY OFF. But this one? He really hit a home run.
He told me that he saw a previous commitment that didn't work out -- but not a boy or anything like that. Just a relationship, a love, that could be family. He told me to let go of bitterness, of the blame, of the sadness, because it's not good for me. Basically it went on for a while, but that was the summary. And that I have to forgive myself for the love that I lost. The fortune teller was pretty confident in reading me, but I'm sure he couldn't figure out at first why the reading was so, and I had to explain it to him after a few minutes.
And perhaps the great message, just in time for my daughter's 1st birthday, is that I have to let go of the sadness. I will still occasionally cry my brains out (I think I am entitled to this, foreverrrrr) and be innately sensitive to the topic. But I have to stop looking back at where I went wrong, what I could have done. I have to stop thinking of the minutes missed because I was too groggy from surgery. Stop wishing that I was allowed to see you sooner, stop regretting that I waited hours after surgery to see you. Would it have helped you if I got up right after surgery and just held you? Stop looking back. I have to stop telling myself, no children, ever again. And I just have to accept that we should be grateful for the angel in heaven who has showered us with amazing gifts and people in the past year (not that I want another one, I'm just saying, be grateful). Accept that, if she made it past the surgery, she may not have led the best life. And just be the best person I can be, so that one day, God willing, we will be together again.
This entry could be much longer, but I'll stop here.
Happy birthday, our beautiful angel. Thank you for all your gifts, they do not go unnoticed. We love you with all our hearts. Please heal our hearts for us. It's been a year, you think we'd be better, but we're not really there yet. But thank you for everything.
I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
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