Finding Out On My Birthday.
Sometimes, life works so that you never forget the dates of certain events.
After giving birth to Josh and having an epidural, my memory was never the same. Perhaps I'm just finding a scapegoat, but I really was a sharper tool before anesthesia . With Mika, I had an all natural birth (not by choice, FYI), so it was the first time I would forget a lot of things. I eventually learned that I just had to accept it, and write things down to remember them.
Dates were the worst. I would forget the right date of my kid's birthdays, and instead, remember the dates that we celebrated them on. Isn't that terrible? The only reason I remember very clearly J's birthday is that it is the exact reverse of mine (I'm 5/9, he's 9/5.)
But yes, sometimes, life makes it easy for you to remember certain dates.
Justin and I had our congenital scan on April, but the position of the baby failed to show us if she was a boy or girl at that time. Her position also blocked the positions of her chest organs. Even if she was our third child, we were very excited to find out if she was a girl or boy.
Allow me to backtrack a bit. We had our first two children when we were very, very young. As we did not have money at that time (we were both studying with Mika, and with Josh we were just starting our business), we relied on the kind hearts of my relatives. Our titos and titas gathered all the old baby clothes, toddler clothes, cribs, baby carriers, toys, and gave it to us. They were almost all brand new. We never had to buy anything, except of course brand new sterilizers, bottles, diapers, etc. It didn't matter if the clothes were pink or blue, our kids would wear it. Even their Halloween costumes were hand-me-downs! Our friends were also eager-beaver supporters, and birthday gifts would be expensive toys and even jewelry (that's how cool the ninangs were!) And we were very, very grateful.
Baby Kat would be the first baby we would actually shop for. Though our family and friends gave Josh and Mika everything they needed and wanted, and eventually when they were older we were more capable in providing what they wanted, we were excited to buy baby things. We were excited to provide brand new things for our baby now that we were older, and then it would be our turn to give hand me downs to our younger cousins. It was our turn, period. Our baby would have the coolest pink/blue clothes. Actually, on the 2nd month we were so excited, we bought clothes, mittens, blankets, but all in white. Eventually Kat would wear these to her funeral.
So on May 8, 1 day before my birthday, we decided to go to a closer ultrasound center, the one located in Festival Supermall. Our OB-GYN was out of town, and heck, we were just excited to know if the baby was a girl or a boy! My birthday was the next day, and my wish for my birthday was a super cool crib for the baby, with matching stroller and other paraphernalia. I was dying to shop for our baby!
During the ultrasound, the doctor told quietly told me that it looked like our baby had a hernia, and that she was a girl. Who knew that such wonderful and terrible news could be said in one sentence? I felt slight panic, and asked for more details, but the doctor carefully told me it was best to talk to my OB-GYN. She let Justin in, and said the same thing. You know, you hear the word hernia on a daily basis, so I was just worried, but not panicking. Hernia was something I always heard babies had when they were born. Little did I know that CDH was a different kind of hernia that could kill our baby within a few seconds of birth.
I googled CDH, but could not find much information that I understood. Justin comforted me and told me to wait for Dra, and that we should go back to Makati Med to have another congenital exam, because the doctor in Festival could be wrong. I mean, let's face it, you don't fully trust mall examiners, you have more faith in actual hospitals. The next available congenital exam schedule would be the day after my birthday, May 10.
Needless to say, we spent May 9 in quiet torture. We looked at cribs in Rustans, but I told Justin to hold off buying the crib until I fully understood what was wrong. I wasn't in the mood, and the more I read online over the course of the day (yes, that's how I spent my 29th birthday), the more scared I was. I did not want to celebrate my birthday until I knew the full extent of the problem.
May 10. D-Day. I explained to the CAS examiner what the technician in Festival Mall saw. After a few minutes, the doctor confirmed that it was true. She explained that the lungs were not forming. At this point I was quiet, and not really speaking. They let Justin in, and explained that our baby had CDH, and that the diaphragm had not fully formed. The heart and stomach was where the lungs should be, therefore not allowing the lungs to form. They would not form. Not being able to hold it off any longer, I burst into tears and asked if the baby was already in pain. They explained that this was not the case, and she would not feel it until she came out, when she would need to use her lungs. It is fatal.
They printed the results and told us to meet with our OB-GYN right away for the next step. We were numb walking towards the parking, but cried in the car. And all the way home. And for the next few days. Our OB-GYN was out of the country, and we didn't want to leave news with the secretary. I spent the next few months holed up in my room, going out only for urgent work or checkups. What I didn't let go of is my work. I didn't tell my clients, only the ones who have known me for a very long time and were asking how the baby was doing. I had to work, it was my only diversion. (You'd think our kids would be a diversion, but seeing them actually made it worse, because I remember in detail how they looked like as babies).
We spent the next week not contacting anyone. We just read what we could about CDH. It was not good. I will explain in a separate entry more about CDH. But the odds were against us. We could not find one known survivor in the Philippines. Even worse, we couldn't find a surgeon who could do it here. I got quotations from CDH parents in the US. Believe it or not, the cost for operation and use of ECMO machines in the US can be anywhere from $1-$2 million. Some parents said they would find it hard to pay off the bill in their lifetime. So obviously, that was not an option for us.
Eventually we called our OBGYN back. The events that happened after this, I'll tell another time.
I will, unfortunately, always remember May 8, 9, and 10 in this sense. Every year, I will remember the anticipation, the excitement, then the worry, the panic, the torture, the grief, the desperation. I wonder if it will change as time passes by, and I will celebrate my birthday in another way. I can only hope so.
After giving birth to Josh and having an epidural, my memory was never the same. Perhaps I'm just finding a scapegoat, but I really was a sharper tool before anesthesia . With Mika, I had an all natural birth (not by choice, FYI), so it was the first time I would forget a lot of things. I eventually learned that I just had to accept it, and write things down to remember them.
Dates were the worst. I would forget the right date of my kid's birthdays, and instead, remember the dates that we celebrated them on. Isn't that terrible? The only reason I remember very clearly J's birthday is that it is the exact reverse of mine (I'm 5/9, he's 9/5.)
But yes, sometimes, life makes it easy for you to remember certain dates.
Justin and I had our congenital scan on April, but the position of the baby failed to show us if she was a boy or girl at that time. Her position also blocked the positions of her chest organs. Even if she was our third child, we were very excited to find out if she was a girl or boy.
Allow me to backtrack a bit. We had our first two children when we were very, very young. As we did not have money at that time (we were both studying with Mika, and with Josh we were just starting our business), we relied on the kind hearts of my relatives. Our titos and titas gathered all the old baby clothes, toddler clothes, cribs, baby carriers, toys, and gave it to us. They were almost all brand new. We never had to buy anything, except of course brand new sterilizers, bottles, diapers, etc. It didn't matter if the clothes were pink or blue, our kids would wear it. Even their Halloween costumes were hand-me-downs! Our friends were also eager-beaver supporters, and birthday gifts would be expensive toys and even jewelry (that's how cool the ninangs were!) And we were very, very grateful.
Baby Kat would be the first baby we would actually shop for. Though our family and friends gave Josh and Mika everything they needed and wanted, and eventually when they were older we were more capable in providing what they wanted, we were excited to buy baby things. We were excited to provide brand new things for our baby now that we were older, and then it would be our turn to give hand me downs to our younger cousins. It was our turn, period. Our baby would have the coolest pink/blue clothes. Actually, on the 2nd month we were so excited, we bought clothes, mittens, blankets, but all in white. Eventually Kat would wear these to her funeral.
So on May 8, 1 day before my birthday, we decided to go to a closer ultrasound center, the one located in Festival Supermall. Our OB-GYN was out of town, and heck, we were just excited to know if the baby was a girl or a boy! My birthday was the next day, and my wish for my birthday was a super cool crib for the baby, with matching stroller and other paraphernalia. I was dying to shop for our baby!
During the ultrasound, the doctor told quietly told me that it looked like our baby had a hernia, and that she was a girl. Who knew that such wonderful and terrible news could be said in one sentence? I felt slight panic, and asked for more details, but the doctor carefully told me it was best to talk to my OB-GYN. She let Justin in, and said the same thing. You know, you hear the word hernia on a daily basis, so I was just worried, but not panicking. Hernia was something I always heard babies had when they were born. Little did I know that CDH was a different kind of hernia that could kill our baby within a few seconds of birth.
I googled CDH, but could not find much information that I understood. Justin comforted me and told me to wait for Dra, and that we should go back to Makati Med to have another congenital exam, because the doctor in Festival could be wrong. I mean, let's face it, you don't fully trust mall examiners, you have more faith in actual hospitals. The next available congenital exam schedule would be the day after my birthday, May 10.
Needless to say, we spent May 9 in quiet torture. We looked at cribs in Rustans, but I told Justin to hold off buying the crib until I fully understood what was wrong. I wasn't in the mood, and the more I read online over the course of the day (yes, that's how I spent my 29th birthday), the more scared I was. I did not want to celebrate my birthday until I knew the full extent of the problem.
May 10. D-Day. I explained to the CAS examiner what the technician in Festival Mall saw. After a few minutes, the doctor confirmed that it was true. She explained that the lungs were not forming. At this point I was quiet, and not really speaking. They let Justin in, and explained that our baby had CDH, and that the diaphragm had not fully formed. The heart and stomach was where the lungs should be, therefore not allowing the lungs to form. They would not form. Not being able to hold it off any longer, I burst into tears and asked if the baby was already in pain. They explained that this was not the case, and she would not feel it until she came out, when she would need to use her lungs. It is fatal.
They printed the results and told us to meet with our OB-GYN right away for the next step. We were numb walking towards the parking, but cried in the car. And all the way home. And for the next few days. Our OB-GYN was out of the country, and we didn't want to leave news with the secretary. I spent the next few months holed up in my room, going out only for urgent work or checkups. What I didn't let go of is my work. I didn't tell my clients, only the ones who have known me for a very long time and were asking how the baby was doing. I had to work, it was my only diversion. (You'd think our kids would be a diversion, but seeing them actually made it worse, because I remember in detail how they looked like as babies).
We spent the next week not contacting anyone. We just read what we could about CDH. It was not good. I will explain in a separate entry more about CDH. But the odds were against us. We could not find one known survivor in the Philippines. Even worse, we couldn't find a surgeon who could do it here. I got quotations from CDH parents in the US. Believe it or not, the cost for operation and use of ECMO machines in the US can be anywhere from $1-$2 million. Some parents said they would find it hard to pay off the bill in their lifetime. So obviously, that was not an option for us.
Eventually we called our OBGYN back. The events that happened after this, I'll tell another time.
I will, unfortunately, always remember May 8, 9, and 10 in this sense. Every year, I will remember the anticipation, the excitement, then the worry, the panic, the torture, the grief, the desperation. I wonder if it will change as time passes by, and I will celebrate my birthday in another way. I can only hope so.
Hi Mel! I found your blog by accident when a friend showed me a ramen place which you have recently blogged about (it's near Festival Mall, Alabang). I like your blog because of three things. First, you blog about food/restos and I happened to be a person who loves to eat and try new restos. Second, you live in the South and we live there, too, so I'm quite familiar with the places you feature here. Lastly, I lost a baby, too, so I can relate with your loss. Mine was our first child (I gave birth to him at 33 weeks in September 2012 but he died of hydrops fetalis four hours after he was born), though and we haven't been blessed with a new baby yet. I'd say it gets easier with time and with a loving husband, family and friends around. I just try to look at the brighter side and trust God. I guess what gives me consolation is the fact that with the lost of our son, I can look forward to meeting him in heaven when the right time comes. At least may angel na tayo, diba. Kailangan ko lang talagang magpakabait para sure na sa heaven ko sya makikita. :)
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry Edelweiza, I just saw this now! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I am so so sorry for your loss, and I do hope at the right time, you and your husband will be blessed with a beautiful child. I agree with you on all things - it does get easier with time, even though you will never forget. And I feel exactly the same way - there is something reassuring about knowing your child is waiting for you in Heaven. I have always felt that from that day forward, we have an angel watching over us. Dapat talaga magpakabait! Thank you so much!
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