BabyKat in Action
The most common misconceptions about BabyKat's short life are:
1) She died while I was still carrying her;
2) She was unresponsive when I gave birth to her;
3) She did not live long enough for us to see her.
As I was still required to stay in bed for the first few hours due to the my CS operation, J was able to capture photos and videos of her, and would show it to me. I was sadly not able to see her during this particular time, when she was still super active and feisty. The nurses had to tie her arm down to keep her from moving so much (her organs might get damaged from all that pushing and pulling). By the time I saw her, one of her lungs had already given way, and she was under heavy anesthesia already. They had to actually give her shots to calm her down, as all her movement was making her heart race. These images and thoughts still keep me awake at night. Was she moving around so much because she was looking for me? Was she scared? How much pain was she in? She never even saw me or heard my voice. Did she know that we loved her? Still, I would never trade these videos and photos for the world. I was apprehensive about uploading this video, but I wanted to show how active and spirited she was in her short time here. As you can see, based on how she was acting, we had high hopes for her survival. We have several long videos of her, this is an edited one since uploading a whole video would take hours.
If you are expecting your child not to make it through, like our experience, take all the videos and photos you can in her short time here. They will be your everything after. I thank God that he gave us a few hours, so that we have memories of her beauty and light to keep in our hearts forever. My number 1 fear in the last few months of my pregnancy was never being able to even see her alive (which is common among CDH babies). Or being so knocked out with anesthesia that I wouldn't have a lucid memory of her. But our doctors were good, they knew exactly what anesthesia to give, and how to intubate her so that she had time. Thanks to them, we had her for a few hours, we were able to baptize her, we were able to touch her and tell her we loved her, and we were able to say goodbye in person. I will be always grateful for that.
1) She died while I was still carrying her;
2) She was unresponsive when I gave birth to her;
3) She did not live long enough for us to see her.
As I was still required to stay in bed for the first few hours due to the my CS operation, J was able to capture photos and videos of her, and would show it to me. I was sadly not able to see her during this particular time, when she was still super active and feisty. The nurses had to tie her arm down to keep her from moving so much (her organs might get damaged from all that pushing and pulling). By the time I saw her, one of her lungs had already given way, and she was under heavy anesthesia already. They had to actually give her shots to calm her down, as all her movement was making her heart race. These images and thoughts still keep me awake at night. Was she moving around so much because she was looking for me? Was she scared? How much pain was she in? She never even saw me or heard my voice. Did she know that we loved her? Still, I would never trade these videos and photos for the world. I was apprehensive about uploading this video, but I wanted to show how active and spirited she was in her short time here. As you can see, based on how she was acting, we had high hopes for her survival. We have several long videos of her, this is an edited one since uploading a whole video would take hours.
If you are expecting your child not to make it through, like our experience, take all the videos and photos you can in her short time here. They will be your everything after. I thank God that he gave us a few hours, so that we have memories of her beauty and light to keep in our hearts forever. My number 1 fear in the last few months of my pregnancy was never being able to even see her alive (which is common among CDH babies). Or being so knocked out with anesthesia that I wouldn't have a lucid memory of her. But our doctors were good, they knew exactly what anesthesia to give, and how to intubate her so that she had time. Thanks to them, we had her for a few hours, we were able to baptize her, we were able to touch her and tell her we loved her, and we were able to say goodbye in person. I will be always grateful for that.
Hi Ms. Melissa. My name is Irish, and like you, I am also a mother to an angel. As I was reading your blog, tears began to well in the corners of my eyes. I can still feel the pain of losing my first born son to CDH, after all, it was just two months ago when he earned his wings. He was born last December 9, 2013, and I have the same questions in mind. If only I could trade places with my son back then so as to end his sufferings I would wholeheartedly do so. Until now, I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my baby.
ReplyDeleteDear Irish, I am so sorry for the loss of your first born - no one should every lose their child, but losing your first must be incredibly painful =( I do hope you find comfort in my blog, and in the blogs all over the world of parents like us. I would give anything to see my daughter alive. Though it's been a year and a half, we still think of her all the time, esp. when we see little girls around her age. I hope you find your light at the end of the tunnel, in your own time.
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